My Six-Year-Old the EMO Teenager
Wednesday, September 16, 2009 at 4:53PM Seriously…what the fuck has happened to my sweet little, Opie Taylor-lookin’ six-year-old?
After school, he comes strolling out, gives his mom a quick nod of the head, like “sup” and just keeps strolling by. Doesn’t want anyone talking to him, hanging near him, or anything. He gets in the car and he’s all EMO and shit. He’s pushing his hair down in the front and looking angrily out the window.
In my mind I’m wondering what in the holy hell does he have to be all emotional about at this age? Did Suzie refuse to share a cookie with you? Did Samantha not accept your Valentine? Did Timmy get a pubic hair before you did? Did the teacher make you learn how to write the letter B when you really wanted to write D? Did I forget to put the PB in your PB&J? Did Kanye steal the stage from you?
He’s got this other thing going on that makes me want to turn a fifth of anything upside down….. He’ll kick his sister. She’ll scream. I’ll say, “Grayson!! Stop kicking your sister.”
Then he leaps up, looking shocked, both arms sticking out with palms up, eyes wide opn, and starts launching into a high-pitched, screaming explanation as to why he just kicked her and how it’s her fault.
I cut him off. “Grayson, I don’t want to hear it, just stop kicking her.”
He then says, “You never listen to me. You never wanna hear what I have to say. You don’t care!” He then goes stomping off crying and sits in his bedroom curled up. I swear, if he had a radio with headphones, he’d put them on, stare at his Clash poster on the wall, and write long prolific poems in his journal about how misunderstood he is.
I’m not ready for this shit just yet. So I write the following while on my knees:
Dear Whatever You Are That Turns Kids Into Teenagers:
Not fucking yet, please. My kids rocks and he’s too young to cross over to the dark side. Keep his voice high-pitched, his mouth smiling, and his brain uncluttered from all that testosterone.
That’d be greeeat. Thanks!
Grayson’s Dad
Reader Comments (11)
Yeah don't expect it to get any better. Last night my 13 year old was acting just like that. Then he had the nerve to look surprised when I made him turn over his phone.
Mack too. The hell? I plan to be drunk for their adolescence. So let it be written. So let it be done.
This is so hilarious and I am so sorry. I am planning to comment on your boob post but speaking of becoming teenagers, the other day my 5-year-old told me she can't wait until she gets boobies like mine. My husband and I can totally wait for that. It is a very scary thought!
This scares me.
Seems to be a lot of frightened people from this post. Glad to know I'm sharing the pain with many other parents. Don't be scared Erin...we all love you. Leslee...your husband, you and I all share the same feeling...no boobies for looong time.
Keep him a "little boy" as long as possible. Do little boy stuff w/him: catch, bike riding, fishing. And by all means NEVER buy him a cell phone. They grow-up soooo fast. I have a 12 yo girl that has been acting 16 since she was 6. Frustrating, very Frustrating. Good luck with your sweet boy.
Thanks AnnMarie - I intend to do just that. He's a kick-ass dude and I'm totally committed to a solid relationship with him....
Yeah, do not get him a cell phone. My 15 year old future stepson is GLUED to his...I'm serious, the thing is like attached to his hand. It's either always his best friend (who I call his girlfriend just to irritate him haha) or a girl. That he met on MySpace. Yeah, don't get me started on that one either.
And add to the fact his 12 year old sister thinks she's 21...I'm surprised my alcohol collection doesn't get a little lower when they're up here.
I get this. Our 6 yo is showing similar behaviours; extracting any info about school or anything else for that matter is BRUTAL, temper that with back chat and blasting Michael Jackson in his room (I can atleast laugh at that one), makes me ask, "Seriously"? I figure I gotta spend more time busting out the Legos, take him for a smoothie, and play checkers & rugby (well that last one is dads) with him more; in an effort to pull back the boy we know from whatever has taken control of him lately. Good luck!
Your kids are so adorable. But you're screwed. I'm screwed as well. Welcome to the club. And by club I mean the beer of the month club. You better join now. You're going to need it. Did I mention how adorable your kids are? Your wife must be a knockout because they didn't get those looks from their dad. Totally kidding. Well not kidding about your wife being a knockout. I'm sure she is. And your kids are adorable. I wasn't kidding about that part either. Ok I'm going to go take my meds now. Be careful or your kids will grow up to be like me. Just sayin'.
My 10 yo son acts the EXACT same way. Good to know I am not alone in this..